One Hysterectomy Later...

It has taken me awhile to write this--I guess I needed time to accept my situation, gain some distance, and then write about it.

I ended up deciding to have a hysterectomy.

The decision didn't come easy or suddenly--just through a back door that I didn't see. First I did have endometriosis, then I didn't, but in actuality, I did, and it was fairly severe. This coupled with the tumors meant really only one solution: a hysterectomy.

I didn't have kids. Now, I never will. Was I planning on it? No, I wasn't. Eric and I had decided not to have children, but it doesn't mean that I was prepared for my choice to be taken away from me. I wasn't prepared for the deep aching in recovery as if the emptiness hurts more than the stitches.

Maybe it is phantom uterus pain--or a physical grieving for a future I will never have.

While I could write about my recovery, it is more interesting to link to other stories--how different each one is, how while each person has had a hysterectomy, her story is completely unique: www.hystersisters.com. My story is in there.

I am still on disability, still working both on the physical and the emotional recovery. I wonder if I feel whole, feel less of a woman, feel weak. I know most of this will pass as I gain my strength back and work towards redefining what it means to be a woman to me. I don't think I am defined by my organs.

Slowly, that emptiness, that space between my bladder and my colon where my uterus once resided will lessen. That is physical. I believe as this happens, my emotional reconstitution happens as well.