the ultrasound

"Don't worry, this won't hurt. It will just feel, well, gushy."

Hmm. Those weren't exactly the words I wanted to hear while splayed in horse stirrups. At the same time, those words were better than the ones I had heard earlier.

"Oh. Are you pregnant?"

No, very far from it really. There are other reasons for ultrasounds, though I hadn't known that before my doctor had suggested I go for one. So here I am, stirruped and stupid. Feeling exposed and as if I had just stepped into Twilight Zone.

Let me take you a few steps back...

I've been having pains--lower hips, bladder, back and cramping pain for some time. On top of this, my digestion had decided to take a vacation and pretty much refuse to accept any food offerings. So, my doctor suggested an ultrasound to see why.

So, here I am, laying spread eagle in a dark room with gel on my belly and a bladder so full, I have tears coming out of my eyes. The lab technician, illuminated only by the glow of machine, ran the wand over my lower stomach--pressing in to get a good view and apologizing for the discomfort--she was quick and aware of the bladder situation.

After the longest seven minutes of imagined bladder bursts, gushes of urine, and walls of water purging me from this table, the technician tells me I can go to the bathroom. Yes! I almost forget to be modest with the thin paper and step off the table. I realize I can't move as fast as I'd like because I feel like I will pee before I reach the bathroom. Luckily, it is the room next door or twelve steps away.

Once back, and very much relieved, I'm back in the saddle again. This time she tells me the wand goes inside the vagina.

"Oh." I really didn't know why I shouldn't have expected this. So the cold gelled wand slides in and feels--well--like a violation. While I am happy she doesn't have to do this with a full bladder, I can feel it immediately begin to fill.

Five minutes later, she is done, and I am free to dress. I try to wipe as much gel off as I can, but really, I already know that I will be experiencing this curious slick sensation for the rest of the day. To prove this point, my underwear immediately sticks to my vagina. Sigh.

Now, I just have to wait for a few days for the radiologist to read it, tell my doctor, and for her to call and tell me.