the results

My doctor finally calls me while I am at work. It has been 5 days since the ultrasound and I assume this is a good thing.

It isn't.

"Sorry, it has taken me awhile to get back to you. I've been trying to speak to the OBGYN about you."

"Oh." I seem to say this often.

"Well, you have ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors in your uterus, and a thick endometrian skin."

"A what?"

"A thick endometrian skin. It means you may have endometriosis. That was why I needed to speak to the OB Doctor. I wanted to see if she could do an endometrial biopsy to confirm this diagnosis."

"Oh." God I am brilliant.

"Well, this explains the weight gain, the pressure, the digestion issues, and the bloating. At least you know what it is and why."

"True." And it is true. I have been going back to my doctor again and again, saying I just don't feel right, something isn't right. And something wasn't. But, right now, I don't really understand what she is telling me. She has given my pain a label and a name, but I don't own it yet. I know so next to nothing about all three things and how they relate to a woman.

"Your next step, depending on your biopsy, could be either going back on birth control or at the worst case, a hysterectomy. Let's wait and see what the results are and go from there. I put you through to the OB's secretary."

And that was it. She was done and I was left with questions that hadn't formed yet. Out came the computer and up came google search. What I read didn't please me. Words like "no cure" "surgery best option" "hysterectomy only cure" seemed to jump off the page and buzz in my head.

As annoying as these words were flying around in my head, I still had room to wonder how that would change me. Without a uterus, ovaries, or tubes--would I still be a woman? What would Eric think? Would we have problems having sex? Where does his penis go? How is the uterus capped off?

Remember, the Doctor didn't say I needed a hysterectomy yet--just that I needed a biopsy. And she had mentioned birth control first. Still, I had all but had the operation in my head.

To top it off, I called to tell my mother and she informs me that she had fibroid tumors that had polyps so she had them removed, and that my grandmother had had them as well--hers had grown to the size of grapefruits. Grapefruits! There's an "s" meaning more than one grapefruit. Wow. I can't even imagine what that must have been like.

So now I wait. The biopsy is scheduled a week away. Who knows what the next move is until those results are in. Until them, I sit and wait, worry, and wonder what will define my womanhood-me or my ability to reproduce?