Dear Uterus

Dear Uterus,

I'm sorry we didn't work out. I am sure it is me and not you. I just needed more space, but you were crowding me with your fibroids and your endometriosis. Honestly, I didn't like them and didn't feel very well around them.

It's just better this way. You'll get over it in time, especially when you see how much better we both are without each other. In an ideal world, I still would have separated from you. All you wanted to do was hang out with those two and it just made me unhappy.

It's not like I found someone else. In a sense, you were irreplaceable. But don't think that means I want you back. You just taught me a lot about myself I didn't know and I want to thank you for that.

I realize we were together a long time and at the beginning, I probably took you for granted. I see that now. So I accept my 50% of the blame. Maybe I didn't appreciate you as much as I should have when we were together; but now that we are apart, I have some perspective.

I guess I wanted you to know that I am okay, actually much better now, and that I still miss you at times.

Yours,

Donna

One Hysterectomy Later...

It has taken me awhile to write this--I guess I needed time to accept my situation, gain some distance, and then write about it.

I ended up deciding to have a hysterectomy.

The decision didn't come easy or suddenly--just through a back door that I didn't see. First I did have endometriosis, then I didn't, but in actuality, I did, and it was fairly severe. This coupled with the tumors meant really only one solution: a hysterectomy.

I didn't have kids. Now, I never will. Was I planning on it? No, I wasn't. Eric and I had decided not to have children, but it doesn't mean that I was prepared for my choice to be taken away from me. I wasn't prepared for the deep aching in recovery as if the emptiness hurts more than the stitches.

Maybe it is phantom uterus pain--or a physical grieving for a future I will never have.

While I could write about my recovery, it is more interesting to link to other stories--how different each one is, how while each person has had a hysterectomy, her story is completely unique: www.hystersisters.com. My story is in there.

I am still on disability, still working both on the physical and the emotional recovery. I wonder if I feel whole, feel less of a woman, feel weak. I know most of this will pass as I gain my strength back and work towards redefining what it means to be a woman to me. I don't think I am defined by my organs.

Slowly, that emptiness, that space between my bladder and my colon where my uterus once resided will lessen. That is physical. I believe as this happens, my emotional reconstitution happens as well.