Dear Uterus

Dear Uterus,

I'm sorry we didn't work out. I am sure it is me and not you. I just needed more space, but you were crowding me with your fibroids and your endometriosis. Honestly, I didn't like them and didn't feel very well around them.

It's just better this way. You'll get over it in time, especially when you see how much better we both are without each other. In an ideal world, I still would have separated from you. All you wanted to do was hang out with those two and it just made me unhappy.

It's not like I found someone else. In a sense, you were irreplaceable. But don't think that means I want you back. You just taught me a lot about myself I didn't know and I want to thank you for that.

I realize we were together a long time and at the beginning, I probably took you for granted. I see that now. So I accept my 50% of the blame. Maybe I didn't appreciate you as much as I should have when we were together; but now that we are apart, I have some perspective.

I guess I wanted you to know that I am okay, actually much better now, and that I still miss you at times.

Yours,

Donna

One Hysterectomy Later...

It has taken me awhile to write this--I guess I needed time to accept my situation, gain some distance, and then write about it.

I ended up deciding to have a hysterectomy.

The decision didn't come easy or suddenly--just through a back door that I didn't see. First I did have endometriosis, then I didn't, but in actuality, I did, and it was fairly severe. This coupled with the tumors meant really only one solution: a hysterectomy.

I didn't have kids. Now, I never will. Was I planning on it? No, I wasn't. Eric and I had decided not to have children, but it doesn't mean that I was prepared for my choice to be taken away from me. I wasn't prepared for the deep aching in recovery as if the emptiness hurts more than the stitches.

Maybe it is phantom uterus pain--or a physical grieving for a future I will never have.

While I could write about my recovery, it is more interesting to link to other stories--how different each one is, how while each person has had a hysterectomy, her story is completely unique: www.hystersisters.com. My story is in there.

I am still on disability, still working both on the physical and the emotional recovery. I wonder if I feel whole, feel less of a woman, feel weak. I know most of this will pass as I gain my strength back and work towards redefining what it means to be a woman to me. I don't think I am defined by my organs.

Slowly, that emptiness, that space between my bladder and my colon where my uterus once resided will lessen. That is physical. I believe as this happens, my emotional reconstitution happens as well.

We're baaaack

And the latest saga continues....

I went to a GI recently to try and figure out why my digestion is so terrible. He sent me to get a CT scan of my GI tract. Guess what? They didn't find anything wrong. He can't explain why I bloat and am so gassy. Sometimes it is so bad, I can literally hear my intestines fill with air. The doctor would like me to swallow a camera, strap on the tape, and hang out all day while the camera goes through my intestines. Problem is, my insurance won't pay for it because it is a new procedure.

This leaves me to either 1) not to it or, 2) pay for it myself. I chose option 1. The doctor didn't find anything wrong in the CT scan so he isn't sure. This means he is kinda shooting in the dark. I am not ready to pay for a guess just yet. But, he did find a large nodule on my uterus and suggested I go to a OBGYN.

Lucky for me, I already had an appointment set up in two weeks. The doctor sent over the CT scan, and I then went to my surgical consultation to see what Dr. Gemmell had to say.

Let me start with the clinic: it is great, with all women doctors, a comfortable waiting room, and a nice staff, but I have NEVER had to wait that long for my appointment. All told, Eric and I were in the office for over three hours. Most of that was not with a doctor.

That said, Dr Gemmell thinks I have endometriosis. Hmmm, haven't I heard about this before? Here is the thing...at least this time she is doing a laparoscopy to determine if I have endometriosis. If I do, then she is doing a hysteroscopy. Yes, that is right, she is removing my uterus through the same holes she made for the laparoscopy.

I don't know how I feel about this. I feel like there is progress, that it seems I have a doctor who is helping me to feel better after feeling so crappy for so long. But I don't know. This seems like a very long progress. And really, I don't know how I feel about losing my uterus. I guess I don't really need it. I will be keeping my ovaries for the hormones. Maybe it will make my stomach flatter :)